Gwen...

The thought you as my guardian angel makes me feel at ease whenever I'm missing you so bad. I miss you everyday though but knowing that your somewhere out there watching over me gives me hope that my prayers to God will be heard loud and clear because in my mind you would whisper to Him the words that I can't sometimes say.

I love you my Angel. 

Gwen...

The thought you as my guardian angel makes me feel at ease whenever I'm missing you so bad. I miss you everyday though but knowing that your somewhere out there watching over me gives me hope that my prayers to God will be heard loud and clear because in my mind you would whisper to Him the words that I can't sometimes say.

I love you my Angel. 

Back to work

It's been 2 days now and so far works good. As expected I had a warm welcome. I feel lucky and thankful that I have a good support system not only at home but also at work. Gerald's right. Going back to work is a good diversion. I have to say it added to my life span =) My "night mode" body clock returned and this time not just cause I'm sleepless but i am actually working. Right now my focus is to be present at work not just physically but mentally, emotionally... all of me that is. I'll do my best to be an asset and not a liability at the same time enjoy the company of the people that I am hoping to develop not only a good relationship at work but also outside work. Hopefully this will be my last stop...unless God has other plans for me.

No tears so far. Thank you God. Please kiss and hug my daughter for me.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today, I asked What makes a Mother? and I know I heard Him say. "A Mother has a baby" This we know is true. But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you? "Yes, you can," He replied With confidence in His voice. I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime, And others for the day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay." "I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here." He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, And then I saw the tear. "I wish I could show you, What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile, With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much, But I visit her every day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in My home, And this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me, Until your lesson's through. And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart it's the love you had so much of Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother. Until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!"

HTTP://connerdavid.webs.com/mothersofangels.htm

One last cry

I wonder if there's such thing. I asked once if there's a certain time frame for this kind of emotion. Well so far my answer would be no. I still cry a good cry. My pain is still the same. It hurts like crazy. Although I have to say it's bearable now. Bearable in a sense that I can function in a day. But deep inside I am broken.

*You left a big hole inside my heart that only you can fill.

I can't help but think that i am selfish at times because it seems that the love and support from my family and friends are useless because whenever I go deeper I still feel that emptiness inside me. I don't want them to think that their effort to help me move forward are taken for granted. I am doing my best. But sometimes I think I'm just pretending to be ok... but really I'm not. 

But then again I don't want to sell myself short. I hate to think that I'm going straight to crazy town if I don't get a hold of myself. I've been reading a lot about postpartum depression and ways to fight it. 

I need to exercise I have to, I believe that it can help ease the stress. And good thing  I'd be working again, I'm positive that it would help me. I'd be surrounded with positive people. Plus love and laughter from them is something to look forward to.

Sometimes I still can't believe that all of this happened in... well almost 2 months now. But it did. I still can't shake the feeling of pity for myself and a bit of anger towards other people whenever I get a pity look from them. "Them" I meant for people who doesn't know me personally and just knows that I am that woman who lost her baby. 

All I can do is pray hard that He will not leave my side until I get better. I thank Him for giving me my own guardian angel, my baby and of course my angels here on earth. One of them is my very patient partner Gerald. He never stopped believing and he said he wont stop. Even though I've been such a pain in the ass for weeks now. He still makes ways to make me feel love and secure. 

I Thank God for today. For He helped me survived last nights pain. I know that I'd stumble again and would feel the same pain as the day that I lost her but I also know that God will Not for one second leave me. I know. I believe that He wont.

*Hugs & Kisses for my Angel Gwen*

Isaiah 25:8

Isaiah 25:8

New King James Version (NKJV)

He will swallow up death forever,       
And the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from all faces;       
The rebuke of His people       
He will take away from all the earth; 

For the LORD has spoken.