Never Alone - written by Jennie Davis

I am not that good with words. For the past few days I find comfort from other parents who also lost their child. I find comfort from the verses, poems, letters that they share. I hope one day I'm able to write a beautiful letter for my daughter.

*****

Never Alone

I am never alone.

I have you near

I am never alone

I have nothing to fear

I am never alone

You help me stand

I cry oceans of tears

you dry each and every one.

you are my miracle

you are my sun

I am never alone

I've reached out my hand

We together are strong

together we stand.

written by Jennie Davis

for the Angel Babies Forever Loved support group and her angel, Dylan

For the 1st time I asked why...

Last night I breakdown. I can no longer hold back the tears. I ended up calling my boyfriend. After our short talk I went straight to my Moms room and hugged her. I cried like a child asking why did He took my daughter...

After few minutes my Mom was able to bring me back to my senses. I was so ashamed to God as to why I dare ask Him such question. My emotions...my loneliness got the best of me. I prayed hard and asked Him to forgive me. To please continue to hold my hand through this hard times. To stick with me, to take care of my broken heart and heal it in time.

I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a burden to my partner, my family and my friends. But this emptiness is consuming me. I feel that I am betraying her memory the minute I laugh out loud or the minute that i stop thinking about her.

But I know that these are all selfish thoughts. My daughter will never want to see me cry and be lonely.

I have to fight this. I have to continue living. I will.

Mornings and Night times are the hardest. The in betweens I can handle.

( http://angelgwen.blogspot.com )

Waking up is like in slow motion. I'm usually with my coffee and cigarette thinking of how to start the day.  I think about my daughter and try to focus on the good parts. I look at her pictures trying not to stare and tell her how much Mommy loves her and for her to guide Mommy & Daddy and watch over us as we go through our daily routine. Then goes my thoughts of What to do? Why is time so slow? And bits and pieces of flashbacks. The What ifs and the things I try to avoid. 

Then comes the inbetweens when I get a hold of myself  to do something...anything! It's either to fix my Mom's messed up cabinet (again!) and grab all the clothes that I can (now) fit into or dig in to old pictures over and over again or to go to the mall with my Sister. I always get the nostalgia  feeling whenever I pass by my old school or run into familiar places. I watch TV and laugh out loud whenever Jose, Wally & Paolo is on. Those guys crack me up. I talk to my Dada over the phone and talk about stuff that's needed to be done and things that I wanted to do when I get back to Manila. For a moment there I feel like everything is back to normal.

And after the super long hours of teleserye with Mom & Sis is the time that I need to sleep. I check my phone and look at her pics , kiss her goodnight... trying not to stare cause it's gonna drive me crazy! Then there goes a drop of tear for my sweet little angel. 

Everyday I feel that I am getting stronger and better than yesterday. But I still allow myself to be lonely, to cry for my daughter. If I don't I feel like my heart is gonna explode. But I always make sure to double up my courage afterwards. It's not even a month yet but I feel like I've aged 10 yrs. I am forever changed by what happened. 

But one thing I know and is sure of that God will be there for me and Gerald every step of the way.

Hopeful prayer Mother Angelica wrote for parents of miscarried/stillborn children

My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or a flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’?” Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind, she hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes she sees everlasting Beauty—she sees My face. She was created and lived a short time so the image of her parents imprinted on her face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. She knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. She laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. She was created for My joy and her parents’ merits. She has never seen pain or sin. She has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

Mother M. Angelica, courtesy of EWTN.com

My Davao

1 week in Davao . My heart still aches. But I'm grateful that everyday I am able to allow myself to smile and laugh.

I'm thankful for my Mom for she is one extraordinary woman of strength and faith. She kept on reminding me to live and to find peace that my daughter is now in the arms of our Lord. I'm Thankful for my sister for she was able to comfort me in her own way. Not with tears or words but she gives me the feeling of nostalgia when were still younger. She allows me to be her "Ate" again.

I'm Thankful for my Dada for being so supportive. I'm missing you so much and I know you miss me too =) But Thank you for being understanding and doing everything that you can to help me heal. I can't wait to see you again. I'm hoping by that time I won't be much of a drama queen =)

I Hear Each Tear Fall On Her Face

I read this from a site that supports parents who have experienced loss of a child.

I think it's beautiful.

Aug 1, 2011

*****

I Hear Each Tear Fall On Her Face

My Mom doesn't know I'm watching her
but I'm watching her just the same.
And I hear each tear fall on her face
at the very mention of my name.

She says it sounds like music to her ears
and can be heard over a crowd.
Oh, I hear each tear fall on her face
when my name is said aloud.

I watch her stumble through each day
as she wishes the day would end.
And I hear each tear fall on her face
as she talks of me to her friends.

But there are few who truly understand.
Oh this I've heard her proclaim.
And I hear each tear fall on her face.
Will my Mom ever be the same?

I know that her smiles light up a sky.
But I don't see that smile today.
Oh, but I hear each tear fall on her face.
Her blue skies have turned to gray.

Oh I send to her my warmest hug
with the rays of the morning sun.
Then, I won't hear a tear fall on her face.
For I shall erase them one by one.

Yes, my Mom doesn't know I'm watching her.
But I'm watching her just the same.
And if I hear a tear fall on her face
I'll just softly whisper her name!

Gwyneth Harmony... Born in Heaven

Our first born Gwen whom we've waited patiently for 9 months passed away July 10 this year. 

It was a rainy Sunday morning. I felt the pain in my tummy and asked my boyfriend to bring me to the hospital. Before leaving the house I folded all her clothes. Clothes that she will use once she is born.

I can no longer write the whole thing...it still pains me. Seems that it was just yesterday. To be honest I don't even want to remember how painful that day was. The Doctor announced that there's no heartbeat... I went to the delievery room and waited for that moment that I can let her be free from my womb. That time I still prayed for miracle... but my baby was destined to go straight to heaven.

Everything was a blur. I woke up and realized she's really gone. I was heartbroken. I looked at Gerald's eyes and I can see the same pain. We lost her. Our daughter whom we can't wait to hold and to kiss. We didnt even see her eyes. Until now we wonder where she got her eyes. I long for her everyday. I love her so much. 

For weeks I listened to great advice from family and friends. Stories of the same kind. Encouraging words. But the pain still remains. I am forever changed. 

The past few weeks I was able to find support groups for parents who also lost a child by stillbirth, miscarriage,or death of any kind. I realized that were not the only young couple who have experienced this. Reading other peoples story gave me hope that despite all this there is hope to live again...to feel alive again.

I am not in a hurry to get better but I am doing my best every single day. I respect my feelings and feel each pain whenever my heart tells me. I pray to God everyday. Read verses and quotes that can help me heal. I am now empowered by God's words and promises and I Thank the Lord for He has held my hand since that very day. I may not understand and see what He means by all this yet but I believe that He will take care of my broken heart. That one day I will be as good as new.

Here Goes...

A friend told me to write everything that I feel since that day that we lost Gwen. I tried it the first few weeks but seems like crying and not talking to anyone worked well for me. Now that it's almost a month I decided to write what I feel and how I'm feeling now from the past few weeks. 

I always loved writing and I wrote several blogs before. But somehow I end up losing interest cause I feel there's really no point in writing everything or anything. But now I feel that I owe this to myself... Gwen gave me reason to write again...to be passionate in my writing again. Now I have my reasons. I want to write and write about her and things that might help other parents who have lost their baby or loved ones. This will not just be all about the pain but also our journey to discover life again after knowing that all we planned for the past 9 months are shattered. This will be Plan B. Moving Forward... To be closer to God and to patiently wait for His plan for me and Gerald.