My Life in Circle.

It a matter of 2 months I had the most life changing experience. It  hit me all in one blow. My head is spinning everyday. My heart aches.

I feel that I grow stronger everyday. But I also felt weak at times. I thought my heart is getting better. But suddenly it was shattered into pieces... I died the 2nd time. My body aches. I have to force myself to eat. I sleep 2 to 3 hrs a day for a week now. One thing that kept me sane is my job. I Thank God for that. I'm happy to be surrounded with happy and positive people. I feel lucky being part of the group. Also the Andres-Lanuza family who never for one second turned their back at me. April, the hot Momma who never failed to make me feel lighter despite  the seriousness of the topic. She's one true "Girls Run the World" example. Jheng, Pam and Chatty... You girls are great too! And if only I have a rose to offer every time I cried over your shoulder and wipe my tears because you have given a sound advice... you guys will grew a garden!

I wish to go back to the old sweet days. I wish for things to go back to normal. I wished to be loved again. But I understand that in order to be happy again I have to go through all this pain. Ever since I always have a forgiving heart. That's something that I am proud of. That's why Forgiveness isn't an issue at all. But I also acknowledge the fact that a lot of things happened...painful ones. So in order to come out alive from this I have to trust God that He will lead me to the right path. 

I'm going through different places. My heart and mind is doing a thug of war. But I'm a hopeless romantic... some would say "aaaww" and others "are you serious?" ... with me a big sigh says it all.

Despite all this I never stopped calling God's name. I told Him "Thy will be done". I wished for both hearts to heal. If God permits, I wish for those hearts to reconnect. I asked my Angel to find a way for Universe to conspire. I know some would say that's just stupid. But for me. There's still this little voice inside me saying ... give it one more push. And I will. But also while doing that I wont and will no longer forget myself again. That I have to take care of me and my heart too. I have no control over the situation. My prayer is my only weapon along with love, understanding and kindness. Who knows if I will win this or not... what matters is I will fight this to the finish. So there will never be any what ifs and regrets along the way.

I will take all this pain knowing that after this I will come out stronger,  That my life will go back from black and white to colored.  I will let go of the fear of the beyond. Let go of the things that can trigger the hurt. Got to wear my game face on. God and Gwen are behind me on this whatever the outcome will be this whole experience will make me a better person. Happiness and peace of mind can be achieved. I have faith. So bring it on!

My Angel Hear My Prayer...

Gwen, Your Lola and Tita Diana are on their way to the hospital. Tita Diana had an asthma attack. I called Mom and her voice was so worried and I can hear your Tita crying in the background.

Baby please be your Tita Diana's Guardian Angel today. Please keep her safe. Please make her feel better. Please whisper to God to heal her. She's been suffering from asthma for the longest time. I pray to God with the intercession of Mama Mary to make her better.

Gwen, again please be there for your Tita. Be her Guardian Angel until she gets well.

Thank you Anak.

My Gwen Tattoo

Since you left I've always wanted to have your name tattooed on my back. I really can't wait. Just waiting for the right time and enough cash to go with.

I missed you today. But this time not in a "I want to die" kinda way =) I just missed you. Because you will always be my baby forever. I called your name and held on to your pink blanket this morning. I asked for strength. And in a split second you helped me get through the day.

This thing that I'm going through right now is nothing to what I went through when I lost you. I feel my power now as a woman and a mother. Your one big part of it. So now I don't want to focus on the bad things anymore. I wanna forgive and I will forgive those who have caused me so much pain. I will free myself from the burden, from the bad thoughts, from misery. I will be positive and won't be scared anymore. 

My G

My partner, My Lover, My best friend. I love you.

John 8:4-11

"Teacher," they said to Jesus, "this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The Law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?" They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up and said, "All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!" Then Jesus said to the woman, "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you?" "No Lord," she said. And Jesus said, "Neither do I. Go and sin no more."

Jesus didn't condemn the woman accused of adultery, but neither did he ignore or condone her sin. He told her to leave her life of sin. Jesus stands ready to forgive any sin in your life, but confession and repentance mean a change heart. With God's help we can accept Christ's forgiveness and stop our wrongdoing.

September Morning

Today my heart died the 2nd time...