Mornings and Night times are the hardest. The in betweens I can handle.

( http://angelgwen.blogspot.com )

Waking up is like in slow motion. I'm usually with my coffee and cigarette thinking of how to start the day.  I think about my daughter and try to focus on the good parts. I look at her pictures trying not to stare and tell her how much Mommy loves her and for her to guide Mommy & Daddy and watch over us as we go through our daily routine. Then goes my thoughts of What to do? Why is time so slow? And bits and pieces of flashbacks. The What ifs and the things I try to avoid. 

Then comes the inbetweens when I get a hold of myself  to do something...anything! It's either to fix my Mom's messed up cabinet (again!) and grab all the clothes that I can (now) fit into or dig in to old pictures over and over again or to go to the mall with my Sister. I always get the nostalgia  feeling whenever I pass by my old school or run into familiar places. I watch TV and laugh out loud whenever Jose, Wally & Paolo is on. Those guys crack me up. I talk to my Dada over the phone and talk about stuff that's needed to be done and things that I wanted to do when I get back to Manila. For a moment there I feel like everything is back to normal.

And after the super long hours of teleserye with Mom & Sis is the time that I need to sleep. I check my phone and look at her pics , kiss her goodnight... trying not to stare cause it's gonna drive me crazy! Then there goes a drop of tear for my sweet little angel. 

Everyday I feel that I am getting stronger and better than yesterday. But I still allow myself to be lonely, to cry for my daughter. If I don't I feel like my heart is gonna explode. But I always make sure to double up my courage afterwards. It's not even a month yet but I feel like I've aged 10 yrs. I am forever changed by what happened. 

But one thing I know and is sure of that God will be there for me and Gerald every step of the way.